A Short Note about Grief

I know it will sound morbid, but I've been thinking about death and dying and grief lately.  My material grandmother died on August 15, 2009, my maternal grandfather died on November 21, 2009, and my father-in-law died on December 5, 2009.  All were in their 90s and lived good, long, full lives; were married to each other/their spouses for more than 65 years each; and enjoyed a combined total of nine children, 16 grandchildren, and too many great-grandchildren to count (maybe around 20?).  But most importantly, they all knew the Lord and will spend eternity with Him in heaven.

Death is always hard, especially around the holidays. It's really painful when you can't go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore. I am not alone in this.  I have many friends who have lost loved ones in the past year, and who are going through their first holiday without a mom, dad or child. The Bible teaches to 'weep with those who weep' and we've shed tears and memories together. Grief is multi-layered and loaded with meaning.


Maybe you are grieving the loss of a loved one.  I don't know what you are facing today, but I do know that God is bigger than any problem. Read Psalms 23, call a friend, journal out your pain. Don't be too hard on yourself if you experience setbacks just when you think you've "gotten over it."  Grief is a process and can look different for every person. Grief is a journey and you are not alone. 

Snore

Yesterday during my group supervision time with one of my supervisors and two other counselors who, like me, are working toward licensure, we discussed the topic of insomnia.  It ended up being a pretty interesting topic, as much for me as for my clients.  So here's a little of what I learned...

Eighty percent of all diagnosed phychiatric disorders report sleep problems, and 100 percent of all diagnosed depression includes sleep disorders.  We all need eight hours of sleep each night (or day) in order to move through all sleep stages appropriately (this includes deep sleep and REM sleep).  When we don't get a full eight hours of sleep, including all sleep stages, we are at risk of a 50 percent increase in metabolic diseases (like high blood pressure and heart disease). 

The best way to improve your sleep is to improve your sleep hygiene.  This includes:
1.  Do not take prescription sleep aids, or Tylenol PM.  These are habit forming, and the half life (the length of time it takes to get them out of your system after you wake up) can last up to 18 hours.  Instead, try the natural remedy Melatonin, easily found in the vitamin section of your local drugstore and costing less than $10 per bottle.  Melatonin is a hormone that can be affected by sunlight, especially during the winter months.  Use the under the tongue, slow release form.

2.  Reduce body noise - lay in the dark, in bed, for 10 - 15 minutes after turning off the lights.  This allows your body time to adjust to the idea that it is night and it's time to sleep.

3.  No television, computer work, or video games at least a half hour before.  Nuf said.

4.  Your bed should be associated with good sleep, not the fear or frustration of not being able to sleep.  If you lay in bed for more than 20 minutes without being able to fall back to sleep, just get up.  (This goes along with evaluating your sleep efficiency - do not spend more than 10 percent of your time in bed NOT sleeping while trying to fall alseep).  Do something relaxing - preferrably meditating or praying in the dark - until you are nodding off.  Then get back into bed.

5.  What is on your nightstand?  This represents your priorities.  Do your priorities help your sleep?

6.  Do you have a good mattress?  Is your bedroom nice and dark?  Does your bedroom have good temperature and air quality?  Is your clock hidden so that it is not the first thing you look at when you wake up?

7.  The secret to sleep onset is surrender - don't beat yourself up or worry about how the next day will be ruined because you are tired - just let it go and relax into sleep.

EMDR

I am excited to get trained in EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing - which was developed by Francine Shapiro.  Dr. Shapiro discovered during a walk in the park in 1987 that involuntary eye movements reduced the intensity of negative, disturbing thoughts.  EMDR is used to treat experientially based disorders and emotional difficiulties that are caused by disturbing life experiences, ranging from traumatic events such as combat stress, assaults, and natural disasters, to upsetting childhood events.  Specifically, EMDR aims to facilitate resolution of memories of earlier life experiences, desensitize stimuli that trigger present distress, and incorporate adaptive attitudes, skills, and behaviors.

I'm excited to be learning this techniques because I think that so many of my clients can benefit from it.  So many people have experienced trauma in their lives, and continue to suffer from the experience(s) for reasons they cannot always explain or understand.  EMDR can also help expedite the counseling process, making the time spent between counselor and clients more purposeful and productive, with better outcomes.

Marriage on my mind

I am preparing for a presentation on marriage to a bunch of parents of preschoolers - who are also Hispanic and don't really speak much English - and so marriage is on my mind today.  Or maybe I should say, marriage myths.  So I thought I would share of this information here too.

Marriage Myth #1 - I can put my marriage on auto-pilot

Studies show that marital satisfaction decreases during the years that children live at home, and that marital satisfaction hits an all time low right before the kids leave home (older teenagers).  Unfortunately, what I see in counseling is that many couples do not know how to communicate to begin with, or forget how to communicate. Then they seem to think, that when the kids are gone, they will focus on their marriage, or that the marriage will be there right where they left it 20 years ago. And that’s just not true.  In my professional experience, many marriages do not survive these years – auto pilot does not work.

Marriage Myth #2 - My kids are little so their needs are more important than marriage or my husband/wife

And the correlary...
Marriage Myth #3 - My husband/wife won’t mind of I throw myself into the kids
I have no doubt that most husbands and wives see each other as good mothers, fathers, and parents, and respect and admire each other’s talents and abilities.  However, being a good mom or dad does take the place of taking care of your marriage, or your relationship with your husband or wife.  Marriage must come first, for a variety of reasons, the most important of which is that it is important for children to see their parents modeling a healthy, loving relationship.  That’s where kids learn about what it means to be a husband, wife, mom, or dad – at home.  Another reason to put marriage first is that without the marriage, parenting and family becomes much more difficult, and we would be having a totally conversation at that point.
Marriage Myth #4 - We can’t afford to go out OR what do we do with the kids?
Research has shown that couples reporting high marital satisfaction spend at least 15 hours a week together, without the kids.  Back when we were dating or courting, I’m guessing, if you’re anything like me, it didn’t matter what you did as long as you were spending time together. But for some reason, once we get married, and especially once we have kids, that doesn’t seem to hold true anymore.  Get creative and start logging those 15 hours a week now! Spending time together does not have to cost a lot of money, but it will cost your marriage plenty if neglect your relationship.  Ideas include:  going for a walk; taking a drive around town; running errands together; take up or renew a shared hobby; take advantage of times when your kids are otherwise occupied – at day care, in bed, with friends, at school, at a practice, etc.  I think we probably use this time differently now – running errands, cleaning the house, catching up on email – spend it on your husband or your wife instead.  It doesn't always have to be a date night - just hang out after the kids are in bed, catching up on your day or watching a movie and eating popcorn.

I give you permission to put your marriage first.

Week 2

Mondays are always busy, crazy days for me.  And strangely, that's not because I have clients.  It's my main office day, and there is just too much to get done in just one half day.  I went to a great training this morning - "Domestic Violence Restraining Orders" - presented by ACCESS (Assault Care Center Extending Shelter & Support).  There is more to this topic than can possibly be covered in just an hour or so, but at least I feel like I walked away with information I didn't have before, that will really help my clients.  Plus, I get to count the time as continuing education credits toward CASA - that's my volunteer position as a Court Appointed Special Advocate.  So that's good time spent.

Now I have to catch up from last week, and get ready for the week ahead: type notes and intakes, diagnose, reminder calls/texts/emails, follow-up on releases of information, follow through on promises made... and then it will start up again next Monday.  My desk is a mess.

The First Post

Hi. This is my first blog, and therefore my first blog post. Ever.

My name is Lisa Turner and I am a Marriage and Family Therapist. I am heading into my fourth year of counseling – three of those years in private practice. I can’t believe it’s been that long already, although to some of you, that may not sound like nearly enough time or experience to handle the problems my clients set in my lap. News flash – I have learned that there is never enough time to be fully prepared for what my clients bring to me on any given day. And no matter how prepared I may feel, someone will thrown me a curve and the plan goes right out the window.

I am in the process of becoming licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in the state of Iowa. I am more than halfway through my 1,000 hours of clinical time, with one intimidating exam standing in my way. My goal is to be licensed by January 2011, if not before. Currently, I am supervised by two FABULOUS counselors, who give selflessly of their time every month and have for years: Mary Jo Pfeifer-Wulf at Catholic Charities in Ames, Iowa and Nancy Schornack at Family Legacy Counseling in Johnston, Iowa. I don’t know what I would do without them, their guidance, and mostly their support.

As you will come to see in this blog, I am not your academic or overly theoretical MFT. I got into counseling because of that old cliche – I want to help people. My strongest assets as a counselor are being a good listener, caring and compassionate person, and a willing and avid learner. I believe that a majority of the work done in counseling is through the relationship of the counselor and client, and the counseling environment.

My goals with this blog to: 1 – reach and help more people; 2 – build my practice; and 3 – update it with useful information and/or insights at least once a week. But only if I have something worthwhile to share. This blog is for you, your friends, my friends, your clients, my clients, your family, my family… you get the picture. Enjoy.