Marriage on my mind

I am preparing for a presentation on marriage to a bunch of parents of preschoolers - who are also Hispanic and don't really speak much English - and so marriage is on my mind today.  Or maybe I should say, marriage myths.  So I thought I would share of this information here too.

Marriage Myth #1 - I can put my marriage on auto-pilot

Studies show that marital satisfaction decreases during the years that children live at home, and that marital satisfaction hits an all time low right before the kids leave home (older teenagers).  Unfortunately, what I see in counseling is that many couples do not know how to communicate to begin with, or forget how to communicate. Then they seem to think, that when the kids are gone, they will focus on their marriage, or that the marriage will be there right where they left it 20 years ago. And that’s just not true.  In my professional experience, many marriages do not survive these years – auto pilot does not work.

Marriage Myth #2 - My kids are little so their needs are more important than marriage or my husband/wife

And the correlary...
Marriage Myth #3 - My husband/wife won’t mind of I throw myself into the kids
I have no doubt that most husbands and wives see each other as good mothers, fathers, and parents, and respect and admire each other’s talents and abilities.  However, being a good mom or dad does take the place of taking care of your marriage, or your relationship with your husband or wife.  Marriage must come first, for a variety of reasons, the most important of which is that it is important for children to see their parents modeling a healthy, loving relationship.  That’s where kids learn about what it means to be a husband, wife, mom, or dad – at home.  Another reason to put marriage first is that without the marriage, parenting and family becomes much more difficult, and we would be having a totally conversation at that point.
Marriage Myth #4 - We can’t afford to go out OR what do we do with the kids?
Research has shown that couples reporting high marital satisfaction spend at least 15 hours a week together, without the kids.  Back when we were dating or courting, I’m guessing, if you’re anything like me, it didn’t matter what you did as long as you were spending time together. But for some reason, once we get married, and especially once we have kids, that doesn’t seem to hold true anymore.  Get creative and start logging those 15 hours a week now! Spending time together does not have to cost a lot of money, but it will cost your marriage plenty if neglect your relationship.  Ideas include:  going for a walk; taking a drive around town; running errands together; take up or renew a shared hobby; take advantage of times when your kids are otherwise occupied – at day care, in bed, with friends, at school, at a practice, etc.  I think we probably use this time differently now – running errands, cleaning the house, catching up on email – spend it on your husband or your wife instead.  It doesn't always have to be a date night - just hang out after the kids are in bed, catching up on your day or watching a movie and eating popcorn.

I give you permission to put your marriage first.