On Thursday and Friday of this week, April 29 and 30, I will be attending the Iowa Mental Health Counselors Assocation (IMHCA) 2010 Annual Conference in Des Moines, Iowa. The theme this year is "Enhancing Effectiveness for Counseling Excellence" and the keynote speaker is Dr. Robert Wubbolding, Professor Emeritus of Xavier University and Director of the Center for Reality Therapy. There are also some excellent breakout sessions scheduled, including "Broken Bonds and Broken Hearts: Understanding Attachment Issues in Traumatized Children and Adolescents" (Dee A. Paddock, LMHC, NCC) and "Healthy Adolescent Development: Helping Families Work Through Difficult Teenage Issues" (Kristen DeMoss-Schloemer, MA, LMHC, NCC).
I look forward to sharing in my blog next week everything I learn, as well as sharing more about my role as Co-Editor of the IMHCA quarterly newsletter. Have a great week!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Book Review II: Marriage
This is another installation of my books reviews, and this week I want to focus on marriages. Today, while picking through my bookshelf, I rediscoverd "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by Willard F. Harley, Jr., and was reminded was a great book it is. I like Harley's books because they can be used by anyone at any stage of marriage. I think this book is most effective when a couple wants to strengthen and grow their relationship. This book is not for the couple who has already reached the contemptuous/disrespectful stage of their marriage. Both "Fall in Love, Stay in Love, "and his earlier book, "Love Busters" contain helpful self-evaluations in the appendices, designed to give each partner insight into themselves and each other.
Here is a little more about some of my favorite marriage resources:
Chapman, Gary (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing
The Five Love Languages is a book for couples, or individuals who are married, who want to keep love alive in their marriages, and/or have a desire to love their spouse better. Chapman teaches five ways to show a spouse they are loved – or five love languages – including words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Chapman maintains that if we express love to our spouse, but it is not expressed in the spouse’s love language, then love is not being received and the spouse’s love tank runs low. At the end of the book are two assessments: a profile for husbands, and a profile for wives. By completing the appropriate assessment, each spouse can learn his or her love language.
Hendrix, Harville (1988). Getting the Love You Want. New York: Henry Holt and Company
I mentioned this book last week under the category of communication. The premise of Getting the Love You Want is that marriage is often viewed as disposable. If it’s not working for us, we get rid of it and try out a new relationship. Hendrix maintains that with some work, all marriages can experience a loving, supporting, and revitalized partnership.
Hendrix proposes that our choice of mates is based on a number of variables, some of which include our childhood wounds; unmet childhood needs; our concepts of romantic love; the social exchange theory, and choosing someone we perceive to be our equal; and the persona theory, or the idea that who we are with can increase our self-esteem. Hendrix also focuses extensively on the concept of the “imago,” which he defines as a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age. All of these variables combined together comprise what Hendrix calls “the unconscious marriage.” According to Hendrix, it is by operating out of the unconscious mind that marriages end up in trouble.
Weiner-Davis, Michele (1992). Divorce Busting. New York: Simon & Schuster
This book is written for the client as well as the counselor, and relies heavily on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. Divorce Busting presents a very pro-active approach to working on a marriage, even if only one of the partners participates. I see the book as broken into three general sections: general SFBT concepts; questions to ask clients; and SFBT techniques. This is a great book to use if your spouse does not want to go to counseling, and you feel like you are the only one who wants to work on your marriage. I use Weiner-Davis' concepts regularly in both couples counseling, and individual counseling.
Other favorites include:
Here is a little more about some of my favorite marriage resources:
Chapman, Gary (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing
The Five Love Languages is a book for couples, or individuals who are married, who want to keep love alive in their marriages, and/or have a desire to love their spouse better. Chapman teaches five ways to show a spouse they are loved – or five love languages – including words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Chapman maintains that if we express love to our spouse, but it is not expressed in the spouse’s love language, then love is not being received and the spouse’s love tank runs low. At the end of the book are two assessments: a profile for husbands, and a profile for wives. By completing the appropriate assessment, each spouse can learn his or her love language.
Hendrix, Harville (1988). Getting the Love You Want. New York: Henry Holt and Company
I mentioned this book last week under the category of communication. The premise of Getting the Love You Want is that marriage is often viewed as disposable. If it’s not working for us, we get rid of it and try out a new relationship. Hendrix maintains that with some work, all marriages can experience a loving, supporting, and revitalized partnership.
Hendrix proposes that our choice of mates is based on a number of variables, some of which include our childhood wounds; unmet childhood needs; our concepts of romantic love; the social exchange theory, and choosing someone we perceive to be our equal; and the persona theory, or the idea that who we are with can increase our self-esteem. Hendrix also focuses extensively on the concept of the “imago,” which he defines as a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age. All of these variables combined together comprise what Hendrix calls “the unconscious marriage.” According to Hendrix, it is by operating out of the unconscious mind that marriages end up in trouble.
Weiner-Davis, Michele (1992). Divorce Busting. New York: Simon & Schuster
This book is written for the client as well as the counselor, and relies heavily on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. Divorce Busting presents a very pro-active approach to working on a marriage, even if only one of the partners participates. I see the book as broken into three general sections: general SFBT concepts; questions to ask clients; and SFBT techniques. This is a great book to use if your spouse does not want to go to counseling, and you feel like you are the only one who wants to work on your marriage. I use Weiner-Davis' concepts regularly in both couples counseling, and individual counseling.
Other favorites include:
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Art of Communication
Communication is so important. It can make or break any relationship - husband/wife, parent/child, friends, coworker/boss. So often, when two or more are gathered in my counseling office, communication is pointed to by the clients as an issue or problem that needs to be addressed.
There are three key elements to effective communication that I share with all my clients, and I want to share them with you now. They are listening; validation; and empathy.
Listening: Listening is not easy. True, active listening requires putting aside your own agenda, including your response, and attending to the person who is talking, or "sending" a message. True listening is not about the listener - it's all about the "sender." This means that as a good listener, you cannot interject or respond to the "sender" until they are all done talking. One way to show the "sender" that you are really listening is to repeat back to them the gist of what they were saying, after they are all done talking. If you receive positive feedback to your summarization, like "Yes, exactly," then you have been attending to this person, and they have truly been heard.
Validation: Validation is given after the "sender" has finished saying their piece. Validation indicates that the listener understands the logic of the "senders" message. Validation is not the same as agreeing with someone, but validation recognizes that this is truth for the "sender." As the listener, you do not have to agree with the "sender," but it is essential that the listener see the logic or truth of the "sender's" experience. The phrase "That makes sense..." is one way to communicate your validation and to tell the "sender" that they aren't crazy.
Empathy: Empathy is a way for you, the listener, to connect with the "sender" on an emotional level. Empathy is also given after the "sender" has finished talking. An example of joining someone in empathy would be to start a sentence with, "I can imagine you might be feeling..." or "I can see that you are feeling..." HINT: Feelings are best stated using one word, such as mad, sad, happy. If you use more than one word, you are probably expressing a thought, not a feeling.
Three simple points - not so easy to implement. Good communication takes practice. Don't get discouraged too quickly. Learning a new skill always takes time. But remember, we all have the potential to be effective, caring communicators.
There are three key elements to effective communication that I share with all my clients, and I want to share them with you now. They are listening; validation; and empathy.
Listening: Listening is not easy. True, active listening requires putting aside your own agenda, including your response, and attending to the person who is talking, or "sending" a message. True listening is not about the listener - it's all about the "sender." This means that as a good listener, you cannot interject or respond to the "sender" until they are all done talking. One way to show the "sender" that you are really listening is to repeat back to them the gist of what they were saying, after they are all done talking. If you receive positive feedback to your summarization, like "Yes, exactly," then you have been attending to this person, and they have truly been heard.
Validation: Validation is given after the "sender" has finished saying their piece. Validation indicates that the listener understands the logic of the "senders" message. Validation is not the same as agreeing with someone, but validation recognizes that this is truth for the "sender." As the listener, you do not have to agree with the "sender," but it is essential that the listener see the logic or truth of the "sender's" experience. The phrase "That makes sense..." is one way to communicate your validation and to tell the "sender" that they aren't crazy.
Empathy: Empathy is a way for you, the listener, to connect with the "sender" on an emotional level. Empathy is also given after the "sender" has finished talking. An example of joining someone in empathy would be to start a sentence with, "I can imagine you might be feeling..." or "I can see that you are feeling..." HINT: Feelings are best stated using one word, such as mad, sad, happy. If you use more than one word, you are probably expressing a thought, not a feeling.
Three simple points - not so easy to implement. Good communication takes practice. Don't get discouraged too quickly. Learning a new skill always takes time. But remember, we all have the potential to be effective, caring communicators.
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