This is another installation of my books reviews, and this week I want to focus on marriages. Today, while picking through my bookshelf, I rediscoverd "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by Willard F. Harley, Jr., and was reminded was a great book it is. I like Harley's books because they can be used by anyone at any stage of marriage. I think this book is most effective when a couple wants to strengthen and grow their relationship. This book is not for the couple who has already reached the contemptuous/disrespectful stage of their marriage. Both "Fall in Love, Stay in Love, "and his earlier book, "Love Busters" contain helpful self-evaluations in the appendices, designed to give each partner insight into themselves and each other.
Here is a little more about some of my favorite marriage resources:
Chapman, Gary (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing
The Five Love Languages is a book for couples, or individuals who are married, who want to keep love alive in their marriages, and/or have a desire to love their spouse better. Chapman teaches five ways to show a spouse they are loved – or five love languages – including words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Chapman maintains that if we express love to our spouse, but it is not expressed in the spouse’s love language, then love is not being received and the spouse’s love tank runs low. At the end of the book are two assessments: a profile for husbands, and a profile for wives. By completing the appropriate assessment, each spouse can learn his or her love language.
Hendrix, Harville (1988). Getting the Love You Want. New York: Henry Holt and Company
I mentioned this book last week under the category of communication. The premise of Getting the Love You Want is that marriage is often viewed as disposable. If it’s not working for us, we get rid of it and try out a new relationship. Hendrix maintains that with some work, all marriages can experience a loving, supporting, and revitalized partnership.
Hendrix proposes that our choice of mates is based on a number of variables, some of which include our childhood wounds; unmet childhood needs; our concepts of romantic love; the social exchange theory, and choosing someone we perceive to be our equal; and the persona theory, or the idea that who we are with can increase our self-esteem. Hendrix also focuses extensively on the concept of the “imago,” which he defines as a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age. All of these variables combined together comprise what Hendrix calls “the unconscious marriage.” According to Hendrix, it is by operating out of the unconscious mind that marriages end up in trouble.
Weiner-Davis, Michele (1992). Divorce Busting. New York: Simon & Schuster
This book is written for the client as well as the counselor, and relies heavily on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. Divorce Busting presents a very pro-active approach to working on a marriage, even if only one of the partners participates. I see the book as broken into three general sections: general SFBT concepts; questions to ask clients; and SFBT techniques. This is a great book to use if your spouse does not want to go to counseling, and you feel like you are the only one who wants to work on your marriage. I use Weiner-Davis' concepts regularly in both couples counseling, and individual counseling.
Other favorites include:
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