The Art of Communication

Communication is so important.  It can make or break any relationship - husband/wife, parent/child, friends, coworker/boss.  So often, when two or more are gathered in my counseling office,  communication is pointed to by the clients as an issue or problem that needs to be addressed.

There are three key elements to effective communication that I share with all my clients, and I want to share them with you now.  They are listening; validation; and empathy.

Listening:  Listening is not easy.  True, active listening requires putting aside your own agenda, including your response, and attending to the person who is talking, or "sending" a message.  True listening is not about the listener - it's all about the "sender."  This means that as a good listener, you cannot interject or respond to the "sender" until they are all done talking.  One way to show the "sender" that you are really listening is to repeat back to them the gist of what they were saying, after they are all done talking.  If you receive positive feedback to your summarization, like "Yes, exactly," then you have been attending to this person, and they have truly been heard.

Validation:  Validation is given after the "sender" has finished saying their piece.  Validation indicates that the listener understands the logic of the "senders" message.  Validation is not the same as agreeing with someone, but validation recognizes that this is truth for the "sender."  As the listener, you do not have to agree with the "sender," but it is essential that the listener see the logic or truth of the "sender's" experience.  The phrase "That makes sense..." is one way to communicate your validation and to tell the "sender" that they aren't crazy.

Empathy:  Empathy is a way for you, the listener, to connect with the "sender" on an emotional level.  Empathy is also given after the "sender" has finished talking.  An example of joining someone in empathy would be to start a sentence with, "I can imagine you might be feeling..." or "I can see that you are feeling..."  HINT:  Feelings are best stated using one word, such as mad, sad, happy.  If you use more than one word, you are probably expressing a thought, not a feeling.

Three simple points - not so easy to implement.  Good communication takes practice.  Don't get discouraged too quickly.  Learning a new skill always takes time.  But remember, we all have the potential to be effective, caring communicators.